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A ROYAL GUT-UP 

A Musical Comedy in Two Acts 



BY 

Geoffrey F. Morgan 

Former Superintendent of Schools, Athens, Ohio 

AUTHOR OF 

"In Hot Tamale Land" 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 



4 






v^ 



cN O T 1 C E 

PRODUCTION OF THIS PLAY 
■■■ is free to amateurs, but the sole 
professional rights are reserved by 
the author, who may be addressed 
in care of the Publishers. Moving 
picture rights reserved. <^ ^^ 



OCT lU I9'^l 



COPYRIGHT, 1921 
GEOFFREY F. MORGAN 



©CI.D 5 881*4 



A ROYAL CUT- UP 



As originally produced by Students of the High School at 
Athens, Ohio. 

ITiTTEMUP King of Hocus Po, Principal Comedian 

Mr. Homer Baird. 

Tutti-Frutti His Chamberlain, Second Comedian 

AIr. Richard Daggett. 

Jack Hastings 4 Local High School Student 

Mr. Harold Wise. 

Tom Brackett His Chum 

Mr. Paul Hall. 

Harry Hunter His Friend 

Mr. Harold Liggett. 

\\'allflo\ver The Villain, Suitor to Poppy 

Mr. Baker Young. 

Phlox An Escaped Slave 

Mr. Llewellyn Evans. 

Princess Poppy Daughter of Hittemup 

Miss Frances Carr. 

Rose Her Friend 

Miss Blanche Riley. 

Duchess Bazaza Mistress of Etiquette 

Miss Frances Hatch. 

EigJit Students Accompanying Jack : Messrs. Harold 
Addicott, ILarold Liggett, Vercoe Murphy, Clyde Bat- 
tin. Carl Brooks, Robert Keenan, Walter Muir, Clyde 
Jordan. 

Eight Flower Fairies, Attendants en Poppy: ]\Iisses 
Catherine Biddle. Marie Jewett, Frances Lee, Grace 
Richardson, Sylvia Violet, Elizabeth Evans^ Edith 
Elder, Ruth Henry. 

Messenger, Guards, Etc. 
3 



4 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

Act I. Afternoon. The Fields of Hocus Pa. 
Act II. Next Morning. Palace of King Hittemup. 
Note. — The same scene and setting may be used for both 
acts, if desired. A few seats or benches will be needed for 
the opening of Act II. These can be removed when chorus 
leaves stage. 

Time of Playing — About Tzvo Hours. 



NOTES FOR THE DIRECTOR 

"A Royal Cut-Up" may best be described as a com- 
edy with music. That is, the story is complete in itself, 
but special provision has been made for the introduction 
of a variety of musical numbers in the course of the per- 
formance. The piece was written especially for high school 
and college use, and effort has been made to avoid those 
difficulties of acting or setting which so often hamper ama- 
teur productions. No special scenery is required, and the 
action is wholly within the capacities of the average high 
school actors. 

The character of the music to be used is left largely to 
the judgment of the producer. In the original production, 
the songs were taken from the current musical comedies, 
as well as from the popular sheet music of the day. Of 
course it is quite possible to introduce more difficult music 
if desired. In this case, selections might be introduced from 
such pieces as ''The Fortune Teller," "Robin Hood," **Pina- 
fore," "The Mikado," or other standard light operas. In 
many cases, too, the glee and chorus books used by the high 
school contain numbers which may be adapted. The char- 
acter of the songs to be used is readily shown by the text. 
A young lady who declares herself -in quest of a real lover 
will hardly proceed to sing a ragtime comic song, while the 
comedian, on the other hand, who boasts that he is a gay 
old sport, is likely to select the kind of song that will justify 
him in his claims. 

Directors should beware, however, of making the musical 
numbers too heavy. It is a musical comedy, with the accent 



A ROYAL CUT-UP . 5 

on the comedy, and the use of comic costumes, comic songs 
and comic dances will do much to add to the success of the 
piece. The songs sung by the King and Tutti-Frutti will 
also gain by the addition of topical hits and local allusions, 
which should be written for the occasion. Ballads and love 
songs should be left for Poppy, Jack and Rose. 

The matter of dances is one which will vary greatly in 
different schools. Care should be taken to avoid any oppor- 
tunity for criticism, either in the way of costume, actions 
or business. Graceful steps, something on the order of the 
minuet, and the mere walking back and forth of boys and 
girls, or the swaying of garlands, are quite sufficient to give 
a very pleasing effect, without affording the slightest ground 
for offense. In schools where esthetic dancing is taught, 
however, or where there are individuals of skill and train- 
ing, fancy dances may be introduced with excellent effect. 
It is not well to introduce anything resembling the so-called 
modern ballroom dancing. 

The line, ''chorus if desired," will suggest a number of 
places where drills or dances may be introduced as an accom- 
paniment to the solo or duet. 

Setting — The setting of the stage for "A Royal Cut- 
Up" has purposely been made as simple as possible. All 
entrances and exits are made from the sides, and there are 
no special features in the way of towers, windows, balco- 
nies or other things which so often enibarrass the amateur 
producer. If scenery is used, the back-drop should repre- 
sent a park, garden, field or wood. Trees and rocks should 
be represented by the wings. Branches of trees, cither 
natural or artificial, flowers, potted palms and garlands 
should be used in decorating the stage. A rustic bench is 
set at one side and a stool or two may stand at the back. 
If no regular scenery is available, the platform should be 
decorated as suggested above, and the background covered 
with curtains, preferably of green cloth. Space should be 
left at the sides for easy entrance and exit, especially when 
the chorus dances off at the end of a musical number. 

The Chorus — The number of people taking part may 



6 . A ROYAL CUT-UP 

be varied from about thirty to a hundred or more. The 
principal groups are as follows : 

1. Flower fairies attending on Poppy. The number of 
these should correspond to the number of boys with Jack 
and Tom. Eight to twelve will be found ample, and the 
number may be reduced to four without injuring the success. 

2. Guards attending on King Hittemup. These should 
range from six to twelve in number. They should be lively, 
active, with a sense of humor, and able to enter into the 
spirit of the thing with zest. 

3. College or high school boys accompanying Jack. 
Harry, their spokesman, should be one of the eight, or what- 
ever the number may be. They play o])posite Poppy's at- 
tendants, and should be selected with reference to height, 
voice and ability to dance, as the two groups have several 
numbers together. 

4. Fairies of the realm. Their number should corre- 
spond with that of the guards, as they may be used for 
several song numbers. They also appear in the opening, 
the finale, the reception at the opening of the second act, 
and elsewhere. 

5. A group of elves or brownies. These should be 
dressed in brown or green and be as small as possible. They 
appear in the ensemble numbers, and they should also have 
one special drill during the first or second' act. 

The above outline' calls for five groups averaging eight 
each, which gives, with the ten principals, a total of fifty 
altogether. All the numbers may be varied as indicated, 
provided care is taken to have different groups match. 



CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. 

Care should be taken to study the descriptions given here- 
with, as much of the success depends on a proper under- 
standing of the characters. There are two distinct kinds 
of costumes ; those of Jack, Tom and the students, who rep- 
resent the present-day modern world, and those of King 
Hittemup and his court, who represent the fairy element, 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 7 

and should be romantic in character. These, together with 
the characters and make-ups, will now be explained. 

HiTTEMUP — This is the principal comedian. As he usu- 
ally appears in company with his Chamberlain, Tutti-Frutti, 
the two should be chosen to work together. They are a 
comic team, like Mutt and Jeff, and should present as much 
contrast as possible. If one is long and thin, make the other 
short and fat. The King should wear a comic wig, bald, 
with a fringe of red hair, and a tuft in front or at the sides. 
He should also wear a false nose, which is fastened on 
with gum, and then painted to match the rest of the face. 
Use white grease paint around the eyes and on the upper Hp 
and make the whole appearance as comic as possible. His 
part calls for plenty of action. When he trembles, his knees 
must visibly knock together ; when he shouts, he must bawl ; 
when he weeps, he must howl. Don't be afraid of over- 
acting; there is little danger. 

His costume consists of doublet, hose and cloak, in the 
general style of Sir Walter Raleigh. It should be as showy 
as possible, elaborate, with plenty of tinsel, as befits a fairy 
king. A small crown the size of a cup, fastened on with an 
elastic, is a good touch. If home-made costumes are neces- 
sary, let it be of bright, flashy colors, with no dirt or patches 
about it. They are not funny, although they are sometimes 
affected by the vaudeville tramp. 

Tutti-Frutti and the King must work together. It is 
quite possible for them to exchange solos or to make a duet 
of each number, if desired. If they are dancers, or acro- 
bats, so much the better. They must try to bring out the 
point of each other's jokes as much as possible. 

Tutti-Frutti — Good comic wig, parting at back, tuft in 
front. Have a contrast with the King's, however. If one 
has red, let the other be gray, black or yellow. Make-up 
of face should be as comic as that of King. Use false nose, 
but of different shape. Red mustaches are good, or side 
whiskers. Costume of doublet and tights as gaudy as pos- 
sible. 

Jack — Well cut, well pressed sack suit. May wear white 



g A ROYAL CUT-UP 

(luck or Palm Beach trousers if desired. White collar, 
bright tie, straw hat. The time is summer and the costume 
should suggest it. White shoes and hose give a smart touch. 
Alay carry cane if desired. 

Tom — Same suggestions as Jack, but do not dress alike. 

Harry — Same as the eight high school boys. See below. 

Wallflower — Heavy villain. Black eyebrows, black 
mustache. Dressed in black doublet and hose, wig of long 
hair, chain about neck, general appearance of wealth. Make 
as old and ugly as possible. 

Phlox, the Slave — Very simple costume of shirt and 
trousers, bare feet if desired, tunic of gray or green cloth 
does well. Hat or cap of same. Rope round waist for belt. 

Poppy — Light costume of pink or blue, hanging in the 
loose draperies common in pictures of fairies. Garland of 
flowers in hand, or on dress, or in hair. Shoes and stock- 
ings to match dress. 

Rose — Dress similar to that of Poppy, but in contrasting 
colors. Flowers in hair. 

Bazaza — Showy gown, elaborate trimming, with train 
and huge ruff something in the style of Queen Elizabeth. 
Make up to look middle-aged, which will give point to Jack's 
line, "She must have been blind for eighteen years." Crown 
or tiara on head, whole get-up as showy, flashy and expen- 
sive looking as possible. Always carries a huge fan and a 
copy of a household magazine. 

Flower Fairies — Costumes of simple draperies similar 
to Poppy, but of varying colors. Flowers in hair. Use soft 
shades of pink, bJue, yellow, violet, and so on for costumes, 
but avoid strong, harsh colors. 

King's Guards — Medieval costumes. Spears or swords. 
Long curled hair. If simpler costumes are desired, make 
simple blouses and trousers of some bright color, preferably 
orange, but avoid modern style and cut. 

High School Boys — Dress all alike, dark coats, light 
trousers, ties same color, straw hats. If more, convenient, 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 9 

omit coats entirely and use shirts of same color, preferably 
white, and uniform ties. Smart and snappy as possible. 
Elves — Regulation costumes. 

ON STAGING AND REHEARSING. 

It is difficult to make many suggestions which will be of 
general value, because the problem of staging an amateur 
show varies with every school that undertakes it. The fol- 
lowing hints may be helpfui, however, to those who have 
had only limited experience. 

Selecting the Cast. — The best way to select the cast is 
to call all candidates together, explain the character of the 
play to them, and then distribute books, or a type-written 
sheet or two, and hold try-outs before a committee. This 
gives everyone an equal chance and avoids charges of favor- 
itism which are apt to be made if the players are selected 
in advance. Before making its selections, however, the com- 
mittee should always consult with the music teacher, Eng- 
lish teacher, and others, in order to be sure that the pupils 
chosen have the required talents for the part. Pupils who 
must work in teams, such as the college boys and the flower 
maidens, should be chosen as far as possible from the same 
"set" or "crowd," so that the group will be harmonious. 
Avoid idlers, troublesome pupils and those who are not 
wholly reliable. 

In addition to the first cast, it is well for the committee 
to pick a list of alternates, so that gaps in the original cast 
may be easily filled. The best plan is to promote from the 
ranks and then fill the vacant place with an understudy. 

When once the cast and chorus have been chosen, the 
rehearsals should be conducted separately. Few things are 
more discouraging for young actors than to be asked to 
stand and wait while a chorus is being drilled, and in the 
same way it is weary work for the chorus to wait while 
two people rehearse a dialogue. Let the ten principals 
work alone, learning the stage business, the exits and en- 
trances, and the solos, while the chorus meets with the 



10 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

musical director at another time and place. Then, after 
two weeks of preliminary practice, it will give new life 
and interest to the rehearsals to bring the whole group 
together for the complete practice. 

Perhaps a few hints on the method of rehearsal will not 
be out of place. We will take the principals first. Set the 
hour for rehearsals and see to it that everyone is there on 
time. Don't run the practice for more than an hour and a 
half at the most, but make every minute count. Start going 
through the business, or action, at the very first rehearsal. 
Never let a pupil say, "I'll do that on the night of the 
show," or make excuses. Put everything in the first re- 
hearsal that you expect to have at the last one, and then 
spend all the other rehearsals polishing it and making it 
smooth and finished. By all means avoid delaying the re- 
hearsal while you discuss such matters as costume and 
make-up with an individual performer. Do that at another 
time. Keep going, make everybody work, and stop' while 
they still want to go on. 

Let the principals learn their songs at another time, not 
while the practice is going on. Once they are learned, how- 
ever, they should be sung as they occur in the course of 
the piece. If your singers are not experienced, do not 
require more than one stanza of a solo. Remember that 
business, or action, is just as important as words in a com- 
edy. The best way to coach is to show by example just 
how it should be done. Make the actor stand out in front, 
and watch the gestures, and hear the lines, as the coach 
delivers them. Don't waste much time asking the pupil to 
think, and to reason, and to use his imagination. You will 
save much time and get better results by demonstrating 
just how it goes. If you realize that a pupil is hopeless, 
drop him, or shift him to a minor part, before it is too 
late. Do not wait till the last week ; it is almost impossible 
then. 

Insist that the principals learn their lines by the third 
or fourth rehearsal. The spoken part is not long and the 
lines are short and easy. Don't waste time letting pupils 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 11 

go on reading aloud to each other. There is no freedom 
while the book is used. Buy plenty of books, by the way, 
and don't waste time and energy having pupils copy parts. 
It is far cheaper to supply everyone with a copy. 

In rehearsing the chorus, the first step is to gather the 
pupils around a piano and teach them all the words and 
tunes of all tlie songs used. This applies to the refrain, 
of course, since they will have no occasion to use the verse. 
Do not attempt to teach any steps, or entrances, or exits, or 
motions of any kind, until the chorus can sing every word of 
every song. Of course all the pupils do not appear in all 
the numbers, but it will save time to teach them in any case. 

Once the songs are known, take each group separately 
and drill it in the required steps and business. The first 
solo, for example, is sung by Poppy. She is alone on the 
stage at the time, but it gives a pretty effect to have all the 
girls, or the eight flower fairies, or eight girls and eight 
guards, appear from the wings during the chorus, and go 
through some simple steps. These should be explained a 
line at a time and then rehearsed and rehearsed so that 
when the number is tried out with Poppy present it will 
go without a hitch. The entrance of the King introduces 
a comic song and dance. This should be really comic and 
call for some prancing steps by the royal guards. The best 
plan is to select a four-line or eight-line stanza and then 
devise steps which fit the same number of counts. Be sure 
that the chorus comes in promptly on the first Hne and 
leaves just as promptly on the last. Be sure to rehearse 
all encores, and train the pupils to hold themselves in 
readiness to repeat the original entrance. This is not 
always easy, because they may leave the stage in a different 
order from that required for entrance. 

With the chorus rehearsals, as with the cast, the impor- 
tant thing is to keep them busy, to leave no time for loafing, 
and to stop before they want you to. Then, when both 
groups have the play well in hand, call a full rehearsal and 
begin fitting the whole thing together. They wih be rattled. 



12 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

of course, and m^ich repetition will be necessary, but it will 
round out in time. 

An excellent plan during the period of rehearsals is to 
have an informal party and "spread" after the evening's 
practice. Many schools have a banquet, with the dreaded 
toasts, and so forth, after a performance is over, but an 
informal meal while the work of preparation is going on 
will do far more for the spirit and enthusiasm of the cast, 
and for the success of the performance. 

The whole time of preparation should not exceed four 
weeks. It can be done in three, but the work is more in- 
tensive. Don't let it drag, in any case. Pupils and coach 
alike lose interest and spirit, and the show is apt to "go 
dead," as the saying is. Need I say that tickets should 
be sold in advance and the play well advertised? No, if 
you ever had anything to do with an amateur show in your 
life, T need not ! 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C. center; R. C, right center; 
L., left; 1 E., first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., 
right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from footlights; 
down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be 
facing the audience. 



A ROYAL GUT-UP 



Act I. 

Scene : The fields of Hocus Po. Meadows or gardens 
stretch away to mountains in distance. Trees, rocks, etc., 
at side. Rustic seat at L. of stage. Opening chorus l^y 
Flower Fairies, King's Attendants, etc.. Rose and 
Poppy on stage. At close of opening, chorus exits, leaving 
Rose and Poppy. Use any graceful sumiging song, intro- 
ducing simple drill or steps. 

Poppy. Well, everyone in the land of Poppies is happy, 
except me, and I'm miserable. I think it's too bad. {Sits 
on bench L.) 

Rose. Does the king still want you to marry Prince 
Wallflower? {Standing C.) 

Poppy. Yes, he insists on it. You see, the prince is 
wealthy, and you know father is — dead broke. 

Rose. I don't see so much to object to in Wallflower. 
You must admit he's got a handsome nose. 

Poppy. Yes, his nose is the scenter of attraction, but it'll 
take more than that to attract me. Oh, if only some hand- 
some lover would come along. I wouldn't hesitate then ! 

Rose. Oh, oh, you're willing to marry someone, are you? 

Poppy. Did } ou ever know a girl who wasn't ? 

Rose. Never, unless it was a girl from [local town). 

Poppy. If only I weren't a princess it would be simple 
enough, but marriage in high Hfe generally consists of two 
vacant hearts entirely surrounded by cash. You see father 
has just lost a million dollars. 

Rose. Hasn't he any trace of the villain who robbed the 
royal coffers? 

Poppy. Not the slightest. 

Rose. No wonder the king is so anxious to liave you 
marry Wallflower, fie has plenty of money. 

Poppy. Well, I don't care if he has. He's old and fat 

13 



14 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

and ugly, and I hate him, and I won't marry him if I have 
to die an old maid. So there! (Stamp at old, fat, ugly and 
hate.) 

Rose. The king'U be awfully angry when you tell him, 
won't he? 

Poppy. Yes, but you needn't stay if you don't want to. 
Y'ou slip over to the palace and I'll join you after I have 
broken the unpleasant news. 

Rose. All right, but don't be long. (Exit Rose, R. i E.) 

Poppy (rising). Poor father. How anxious he is to get 
the money. But I must have a handsomer man than that 
horrid Wallflower. Pm not willing to accept the first suitor 
that comes walking into the Valley of Hocus Po. 

Song, Poppy and Chorus. Use ballad. Chorus enters on 
refrain, exit at close. 

At close of solo, voice of Duchess Bazaza is heard call- 
ing. She enters R. i E. She is a fright — fat, forty, over- 
dressed, much painted, tremendous headdress, a fan, and 
always carries a copy of a household journal. This is a 
character low-comedy part. 

Bazaza (in severe tone). Poppy, my child, why are you 
out here all by yourself without a chaperone ? I'm shocked ! 

Poppy. Oh, you needn't be. Duchess. I should think I 
could stroll in my own garden by myself if I wanted to. 

Bazaza. Oh, no! M^^hy don't you know it's not etiquette f 
Now listen, the **J<^urnal" says (turning leaves) — er — let 
me see. "How to make a kimono" — no, that's not it — er — 
mince pie, baby food — ah, here it is (reading). ''Young girls 
out walking should always be accompanied by a chaperone. 
She is a necessary evil." 

Poppy. Who says that? 

Bazaza. That's in Professor (local) column, so you can't 
dispute it. Now tell nic, Poppy, have you decided to marry 
Prince Wallflower ? 

Poppy. No, I've decided I'll never, never marry him. 
(Stamps.) 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 15 

Bazaza. But, my dear, iic's connected with the best fami- 
lies. 

Poppv. Well, if he is, it's by telephone. 

Bazaza. And he'll make you an ideal husband. Every 
g-irl should have an ideal for her husband. I have. (Ro- 
manficaily.) Now, the man I marry must be courageous, 
brave — a hero, afraid of absolutely nothing. 

Poppy (disgusted) . Yes — I should think he would have 
to be! 

Bazaza. Besides, you are disobeying your father, and 
that's wrong. Now the "J^^^^i^^^' ^^y^ {same business as 
before) — er, "frying in lard" — er, no — "tatting" — no, ah, 
here it is (reads) — *'a young girl should always do what 
her father wishes, unless his wishes are not her wishes, in 
which case her wishes — " 

Poppy. That sounds wishy-washy. 

Bazaza. Naturally — it's in the "Household Journal." 

Poppy. I thought so, but I won't listen to any more. 
(Going left.) 

Bazaza (foUozinng). It is my duty, Poppy, my love, to 
guide you in all matters of etiquette, and I intend to do so. 
Duty, my child, is something we must obey. Now the 
"Journal" says — (exit both L. i E.) 

Music. Enter King, Chamberlain and Men's Chorus 
from R. Comic song, solo or duet, zvith chorus. 

(After first verse the folloiving scene takes place between 
King and his Chamberlain concerning chorus, zvho have 
been doing clumsy steps in background during song.) 

King. See here, Tutti-Frutti, the work of these Royal 
Preserves is something awful. They don't have the slightest 
idea of what a comic opera chorus ought to be. Why, every 
one of these men is a stage fright. {Blank silence on the 
part of everyone.) I said — everyone of these men is a stage 
fright. It's a joke— laugh. (N. B.—This is the King's 
catch phrase.) 

(Every man laughs uproariously, slaps his knees and 
howls, etc.) 



16 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

King (suddenly). That'll do' (Everyone stops in- 
stantly.) Now you must strive to have more grace and 
beauty in your motions — more poetry. There's absolutely 
no poetry about you at present. It's more like the verse 
in the (local paper). Now watch me. (Steps, business, 
etc.) In that last song, when you say (quote line of song), 
you should raise your arm like this, see. (Business with 
arms.) That's the way it's done. If you can't do any bet- 
ter, back you go to Yonkers (localize). 

Tutti-Frutti. But, your majesty, perhaps you forget 
you must adhere — 

King. We must what? 

Tutti-Frutti. We must adhere — 

King. What must we add ? 

Tutti-Frutti. I didn't say we must add anything. 

King. Oh, fie on you, Ferdinand, to contradict your 
papa. You distinctly said that here was the place to add 
something, and I want to know what it was. 

Tutti-Frutti (looking him over). I'm afraid I don't 
make myself plain. 

King. I don't see how you could be any plainer, 

Tutti-Frutti. But what I wanted to say was — 

King. Now see here. Are you the king around here? 

Tutti-Frutti. No. 

King. Then don't talk like a fool. Now then, I'll pitch 
the second inning of this song, and see if you can hit the 
bases any better. 

Sings second verse. Chorus shows improvement. Exit 
the guards at close. 

Tutti-Frutti. Now, your majesty, if you are ready to 
talk business, here are a number of bills waiting to be paid. 

King. Just tell the royal treasurer to draw on my bank 
for the amount. 

Tutti-Frutti, He'll have to draw on his imagination 
then. 

King. Ah, I forgot, we are penniless. Never since 
that fatal day when the royal coffers were despoiled of their 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 17 

treasures, have I had even the price of a nut sundae. But 
isn't there even a punctured dime to our account? 

Tutti-Frutti. The treasurer tells me the royal account 
is entirely exhausted. 

King [smiling). Well, it's been standing so long, it's no 
wonder it's exhausted. {Pause.) I say, it's no wonder it's 
exhausted. It's a joke, laugh. (Tutti-Frutti roars.) 
That'll do! (Tutti-Frutti stops instantly.) Well, if the 
coffers are empty, something mu-st be done to replenish 
them. What are we to do? 

Tutti-Frutti. I know not, sire; I am at my wit's end. 

KiN(]. At your wit's end? 

Tutti-Frutti. Yes. 

King. You didn't have to travel far. did you? But we 
must find some new way of raising money. What's the 
matter with those shares we had in the ice trust ? 

Tutti-Frutti. They're worthless. 

King. What's the matter? 

Tutti-Frutti. Too much water in the stock. Besides, 
the treasurer absconded with all the money. 

King. Well, he took things easily. It's more than I can 
do. {Beginning to sob.) Ah, Tutti-Frutti, Toot, old sport, 
ruin stares me in the face. {Feeling in his pockets, one 
after another, sobs increasing.) Ah, Toot, I have a crying 
need. 

Tutti-Frutti. What is it? 

King. A handkerchief. 

Tutti-Frutti. Oh, here you are. {Hands red bandana.) 

King. I've had ups and downs in the world. Toot, but 
I've ahvays been a gay old sport. 

Comic duet and dance by King and Tutti-Frutti. At 
close, enter Poppy and Bazaza from L. i E. 

King. Ah, here is my daughter. {About to kiss her.) 
Poppy, my love, let me salute thee. 

Poppy. W^hat, you're not going to kiss me? (Coldly.) 

King {taken aback). Well, that was the idea. 

Poppy. Oh, but would it be etiquette? Bazaza, what does 
the "Journal" say about that? 



18 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

Bazaza (turning leaves as before). Household hints — 
er, how to bleach the hair — -er — here it is. This is what 
Miss {local) says: "It is perfectly proper for a parent to 
embrace an adult child at any time after 10 o'clock in the 
forenoon/' 

King. Ah, I thought so. (Kisses Poppy.) Um-m-m, 
simply delicatessen. And now, my dear, what have you 
decided? Are you going to marry Prince Wallflower and 
make your old father happy — and rich? 

Poppy. No, papa, I won't — 

Bazaza (interrupting). Oh, Poppy, my child, don't you 
know the ''Journal" — 

Poppy. Oh, by the way. Duchess, won't you show Tutti- 
Frutti those new tatting patterns in this month's issue? I 
know he's dying to see them. 

Bazaza. Oh, yes, certainly. (Bazaza awe? Tutti-Frutti 
retire up stage.) 

King. But, my dear, I am very anxious to see you wed 
him. Besides, look how he has pressed his suit. 

Poppy. It looks as if he had done it himself. 

King. Well, I don't know what's to be done if you 
won't have him. I'm so broke I couldn't buy enough red 
calico to flag a hand car, and — 

Enter Messenger, running excitedly from R. j E. 

Messenger. Your majesty, your majesty, danger is ap- 
proaching ! 

King. What's that! Danger! (Grabs Tutti-Frutti, 
holds him in fronts saying:) Don't be afraid, Toot, I'm 
behind you. (All excitement possible.) 

Messenger. Some strangers have entered the Valley of 
Hocus Po'. They wear peculiar clothes, with little dinky 
hats, and utter strange war cries. Listen, even now you 
can hear them. (All listen. In distance high school boys 
lieard giving school yell.) 

King (badly scared). H-m, I don't like that at all. But 
don't be alarmed. Keep cool. Look at me, see how cool I 
am. Why I'm so cool I positively shiver. (Shii'ers vio- 
lently.) I think we had better retire; then we can call out 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 19 

the royal guards. It doesn't matter if they get shot — some 
of them are half shot anyhow. (Pause.) It's a joke, laugh ! 
{They roar.) That'll do. You see, I'm still a jovial king. 
(Exit all hurried I y to L. T.) 

Pause. Musie. Enter Jack, Tom, Harry and High 
School Bovs R. 2. Solo or chorus. Use good march song. 

Jack (at close of song). Well, this singing is all right, 
but if we're going to do any botanizing today we'd better 
begin. It's getting late. 

Tom. Yes, and this is a good place to work, too. Just 
look at all the flowers around us. And, by jingo, fellows, 
there's some mistletoe. (Pointing off. Groans from crozvd.) 

Harry. No use, old man, no fairies here. 

Tom. No, I'm afraid there's nothing stirring. But it's a 
beautiful place. I wonder where it is. 

Jack. Search, me. It doesn't look as if anyone had ever 
been here before. 

Harry. It looks almost like fairyland. 

Tom. Gee, fellows, the smell of those poppies is begin- 
ning to affect him. He's becoming romantic. (More jeers. 
N. B. — Don't overdo them.) 

Jack. Now, if you fellows will stop scrapping, my sug- 
gestion is that we gather some specimens while I he light 
lasts and then make our camp somewhere about here for 
the night. 

Tom. I'm strong for that myself. (E.vit all hut Jack.) 

Jack. Well, I don't blame Harry for being a bit fan- 
ciful. This scenery and the scent of the flowers are 
enough to make any man romantic. But, after all, where 
can you find a girl like the one you left at home? 

Solo by Jack. Sentimental ballad. At close of solo, 
Poppy enters L., crossing stage; she suddenly sees Jack and 
starts. 

Jack (bozving). I beg your pardon, I'm afraid I'm in- 
truding. 

Poppy. Oh, not at all ; it's I that am in the way. 

Jack. Not in mine, I assure you. 

Poppy. Have you lost your way? 



20 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

Jack. Why no, not exactly. That is — you see, I'm a 
botanist, and I'm looking for specimens. I must confess I 
don't know just where I am. 

Poppy. Why, "you're in Poppyland; the fairy land of 
flowers ; in the Valley of Hocus Po. 

Jack. You don't say so. Is this really fairyland? 

Poppy. Why, yes, of course it is. 

Jack. Then I suppose you are a fairy. 

Poppy (witJi dignity). Yes; I am a princess. 

Jack (aside). She's a queen. 

Poppy. Perhaps you would like to see my father, the 
king. 

Jack. If I did I would feel like the deuce. (Aside.) 

Poppy. Are you all alone ? 

Jack. Oh, no, there's quite a bunch of fellows here. 
You see, we didn't know we were in fairyland ; we couldn't 
tell, until we saw you. Er — do you think it would be quite 
safe for us to see the king? 

Poppy. Well, he is in rather a bad temper just now ; he's 
very angry with me. 

Jack. Oh, how wicked. What at? 

Poppy. Because I won't marry the man he wants me to. 

Jack. Who is it? 

Poppy. Oh, he's horrid ; old and fat and ugly — his name's 
Wallflower. Do you know — what a wallflower is? 

Jack. Oh, yes, we often see them at the (local) dances. 
Well, it's quite right not to marry him, if you don't like 
him. But why is your father so anxious to have you marry 
this W^illflower? 

Poppy. Father is very poor, you see, and so he wants me 
to marry a fortune. Ever since the royal treasury was 
robbed, we have been penniless. 

Jack. When did that happen? 

Poppy. Several months ago. The palace was broken 
mto one night and everything stolen ; the royal plate, the 
crown jewels, everything. 

Jack. And the robbers were never caught? 

Poppy. No, we never had a trace of them. And now 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 21 

old Wallflower is so rich father is determined that I shall 
marry him. 

Jack. Well, I think Til have to call on your father and 
reason with him, and then perhaps I may call on you, too. 

Poppy. Oh, will you? 

Jack. I'd really like to. I haven't known you very long, 
but I'm awfully glad we've got acquainted anyway. 

Duet, Poppy and Jack. Use light mimber frohi musical 
comedy or take popular song and rearrange ivords. At close 
of song, Rose and Tom enter, ver\ much arm in arm, from 
L. 

Rose. Why, Poppy dear, I thought I'd lost you. 

Poppy. Well, you had, but some one else found me. 

Tom. Hullo, Jack, old man, begun collecting specimens 
already ? 

Jack {stiffly, to Poppy). Allow me to present i\Ir. Brack- 
ett, a friend of mine. 

Poppy. And this is the Lady Rose, my companion. (All 
bow.) 

Tom. This place is even more beautiful than I thought. 

Jack. Yes, we didn't know who lived here when we first 
saw it. 

Rose. And have you found many good specimens ? 

Tom (sentimcjitally). We have seen some of the most 
beautiful flowers that grow. 

Rose (innocently). Yes, they are beautiful, aren't they? 

Jack. Divine. 

Poppy. What kind are you most interested in? 

Jack. The ones we saw were daisies. 

Tom. And some were peaches. 

Rose. But there are no peaches at this time of year. 

Tom. We saw plenty. 

Poppy. But you don't seem accustomed to these scenes. 

Jack. No, this is a joy ride for us. 

Tom. I'd rather take a walk just now. 

Jack. Oh, well, joy rides aren't all made in limousines. 



22 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

Quartette, Jack, Tom, Poppy and Rose, with double 
octette composed of Flower Fairies and High School 
Boys. Exit all at clusc. 

Enter King and Wallflower, L., talking. 

King. I thought she was somewhere about here, but I 
can't see her. (Calls.) Poppy, Pop. No, she's gone. I 
don't know where she is. 

Wallflower. My suit does not seem pleasing to her. 

King. No, she wants to put a check on it. 

Wallflower. Of course you know how much I love 
her. 

King. Yes, I know you do, Wall, old man, and heaven 
knows I want to see you marry her — I need the money. 
The trouble is, she doesn't want to marry you, and she's 
as cranky as a flivver. 

Wallflower. Oh, no, don't say she's as bad as that; 
it's impossible. 

King. Well, I tell you what, you stick around here and 
you may see her again. There's a little matter of business 
I must see to at the palace. Fve got to order an express 
wagon and have my deficit hauled over to another bank. 
If you see Pop, you can take a last hand at persuading her. 

Wallflower. I have worried over this till I am sick. 
I have got so that I can't sleep. 

King. Can't you sleep at all? 

Wallflower. Not a bit. 

King. Why don't you try listening to Professor (local) 
jokes? 

Wallflower. Oh, I don't need sleep as badly as all that. 
But at least I can hope that she will love me. 

King. Oh, yes, you can hope — there's nothing on earth 
to prevent it. 

Wallflower. She ought to be glad to marry a rich 
man. . 

King. Yes, there's nothing like it. Why, every time you 
kiss him, it's like clipping a coupon from a Liberty Bond. 
But Fve got to go. Au revoir. (Exit King, L. i E.) 

Wallflower, [melodramatic). The girl spurns me; she 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 23 

refuses my hand. Ah, Fate, thou hast dealt me a rotten 
hand. I have a good mind to discard it and call for a 
fresh deal. And her father — he needs me gold, and yet he 
cannot force her to obey him. I. offered her me love. I 
thought I'd get a peach, but all I got was a lemon. 
{Solo, Wallflov^er.) 
Wallflower. But where on earth can that girl be all the 
time? I strongly disapprove of her going off by herself in 
this way. She may be wandering in the woods, alone and 
unprotected. Bazaza ought to know of it. Ah, here she 
comes now. ^^^^^^ Bazaza, R. i E. 

Bazaza. Have you seen my ward anywhere about? 

Wallflower. No, Duchess, I haven't even seen your 
precinct. 

Bazaza. The child is a great trial to me. Neither will 
she be guided by the rules of etiquette. Now, the ''Jo^''" 
nal" says — er — (turning pages) : "The chaperone should 
be treated with all consideration. A young man who in- 
vites the chaperone to accompany a young lady and him- 
self on a driving or canoeing trip will always make him- 
self extremely popular — with the chaperone." 

Wallflower. Ah, Duchess, the "Journal" is certainly 
a great storehouse of information. But I am alarmed about 
Poppy. 

Bazaza. Is no one with her? 

Wallflower. I fear she is alone ; she may be lost ; she 
is unprotected. Let's go in search of her. 

Bazaza. With pleasure. Let me take your arm. ■ (Gush- 
ing.) Ah, Wallflower, how can anyone resist your charms? 
We girls are so susceptible. Let us go and look for that poor 
lonely' giv\. (Exit both L.) 

Introduce musical drill or dance, led by Jack and Poppy. 
This should be a big showy number. All exit at close. 
Enter Phlox cautiously from R. 

Phlox. At last I am free. Wallflower, my master, has 
stayed so long away from home that I have escaped. I, 
the only one who knows the secret of his wealth. I am the 



24 A ROYAT. CUT- UP 

only one who knows how he robbed the royal treasure 
house months ago, and how he has since tried to use this 
very money in buying the hand of the Princess Poppy. 
Now to find help. Now to be revenged on him who has 
kept me a slave so long. Ah, here comes some one now. 
Enter Jack and Tom from L. 

Phlox. But they are strangers. I know them not. 
(Kneeling.) Mercv, strangers, mercy. (Grovels at their 
feet.) 

Tom. Here — what the dickens — say, stop clawing the 
shine off my shoes, will you? 

Phlox. Mercy from you. (Turning, still kneeling, to 
Jack.) 

Jack. Here, excuse me — quit (to Tom) — say, who's 
your friend, anyway? 

Tom. I'm not to blame. Here, get up. 

Phlox (ibises). I have escaped from my master. Wall- 
flower. 

Jack and Tom. Wallflower? 

Phlox. I want vengeance against him. He has robbed 
the royal treasury and now he wants to marry the fair Prin- 
cess Poppy. 

Jack. Is that how he got all his wealth? 

Phlox. Yes, and now he seeks to — 

Jack. Oh, he does, does he? Well, see here, Peasblos- 
som, you've come to the right shop. We are the original 
Pinkertons on this kind of thing. \Miere is W'allflower's 
palace to be found ? 

Phlox. Only a few miles from here. (Points R.) But 
you must promise to guard me — 

Tom. That's all right. We'll take every care of you. 
only you must promise not to reveal it to anyone else. 

Phlox. I swear it. 

Tom. All right. Now you just ditch over to the royal 
palace, and we will take care of you, and we'll see what can 
be done with this Wallflower. (Exit Phlox, R.) 

Jack (turning to Tom). Oh, I guess that's going some. 
Robs the old man's treasury and then uses the money in 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 25 

order to marry his daughter. He must belong to the Royal 
Order of the Double Cross ! 

TuM. Now, the next thing to do is to nab the old boy. 

Jack, Yes, or else put the King wise. That's what we'd 
better do. We've got a bid to call tomorrow morning, then 
we'll give him the story. Oh, just you wait. We won't do 
a thing to Wallflower. {Exit both, R.) 

Enter King and Chamberlain from L. 

King. This business of running a marriage bureau is an 
awful strain. Toot, that girl refuses to consider the thing 
at all. 

Tutti-Frutti. It's maddening. 

King. W^hen you were her age, didn't you think seri- 
ously of marriage? 

Tutti-Frutti. You bet I did — that's why 1 stayed single. 

King. Toot, you're so bright it's a wonder your folks 
didn't call you Son. But I do wish that girl would obey 
me. Why, I don't have any more rights around here than 
a Democrat ! {Eocalize.) 

Solo by King, with full chorus. All principals in front 
roi<.\ chorus in second and third. Lively steps or drill as 
curtain goes down. 

Curtain. 



26 A ROYAL CUT-UP 



Act IL 



Time: Next morning. Scene: Hall in the palace of 
HiTTEMUP. A^. B. — Same scene as Act i may be used if 
necessary Rising curtain sJiozvs whole company, including 
principals, grouped on stage, as follows: Bench in center, 
zvith King. Tutti-Frutti and Bazaza. At right, bench. 
zvitJi Rose and Tom. At left, Jack and Poppy. Place cho- 
rus in groups, not in stiff rows across stage. 

Nozi' open zvith three or four specialties, as if the King 
were providing entertainment for tJie guests. This is a good 
chance for a solo dance, a comic dance by boy, a duet, or a 
special fairy drill zvith hoops, zvands or garlands of flozvers. 
Solos for violin or other instruments zvould go zvell here. 
Close with solo by Rose, and repeat chorus zvhile everybody 
leaves the stage right and left. As they leave. Jack pulls 
King by the arm and drazvs him back, talking zvhile the 
others withdrazv. 

King. Are you positive he's the man? 

Jack. Why, the messenger who told us is his own es- 
caped slave. We kept him at our camp all night, he was so 
scared Wallflower would catch him. 

King. Well, I am simply — er 1 am simply — er — er — 

that is, your news is so — so — er — so (desperately) — well. 
I'm mad, that's all! But still, can we prove it? We've got 
to get the dope on him somehow. 

Jack. Yes, you must not let him know we suspect any- 
thing, or he will escape. 

King. He must be made to confess. 

Jack. The best way is to scare him into it. 

King. But how? 

Jack. Well, he's probably very superstitious. 

King. He is, frightfully. He believes in ghosts, fairies, 
anything. 

Jack. Does he believe everything? 

King. W^ell, he even believes what he reads in the (local 
paper). 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 27 

Jack. Then we've got him. Now I have a plan. You 
must disguise yourself in some way. Why not as a fairy? 

King. A fairy? 

Jack. That's the idea. You disguise yourself as queen 
of the fairies. Then you can claim to be his fairy god- 
mother, come to hear a confession of all his crimes. 

King. Me as a fairy! (Affected.) Oh, aromatic spirits 
of ammonia! I'll do it! I'll have him scared stiff. Oh, 
I tell you, I'm some wonder when I get going. We'll 
convict him on his own evidence and then I'll regain the long 
lost treasure. 

Jack. And in the meantime, King, of course Wallflower 
is no longer a suitor for your daughter's hand. 

King. Oh, he never did suit her, as far as that goes. 

Jack. In that case, I should like to offer myself as a sub- 
stitute. 

King. Oh — er — well — er — don't you think you ought to 
see her guardian, the Duchess Bazaza? 

Jack. I have seen her, but I'm still willing to take 
chances. 

King. Well, if you say so ; but there's the young lady 
herself; have you talked with her? 

Jack. Not as much as I want to. 

King. You'd better see her. She'd like to be consulted 
in such matters. I'm off to see about that disguise. Me as 
a fairy! Oh. tanglefoot! (Exit King, R.) 

Jack. That's the stunt. And I will look for that girl 
again. She has certainly won my heart with those eyes that 
say I love you. 

(Solo, Jack. Use chorus if desired.) 
Poppy enters at close from R. 

Poppy. Oh, is it true that this wicked Wallflower is the 
thief who robbed us of our gold? (Eagerly.) 

Jack. That's what Phlox says, but we shall soon know 
for certain. Your father is going to disguise himself as a 
fairy and scare him into a confession. 

Poppy. How can I thank you for helping me to escape 



28 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

from that monster. When I heard what had happened, I 
was ready to "dye" for you. 

Jack. Oh, I'm glad you didn't. I Hke your hair so much 
better just the color it is. It's so beautiful — 

Poppy. Oh, don't be silly. 

Jack. Is it silly to tell the truth? 

Poppy. I don't know that it is the truth. 

Jack. Then I must help you find out. Look, there's a 
dimple. 

Poppy. No, that's just a wrinkle. 

Jack. There's a lot of difference between a dimple and a 
wrinkle. 

Poppy. How much? 

Jack. About twenty years. 

Poppy. I sha'n't listen. 

Jack. Please do. I want to talk to you about something. 

Poppy, ^^'hat is it? 

Jack. About — er — marriage. 

Poppy. IMarriage is a serious thing. 

Jack. It's not half so serious as being single. 

Poppy. Besides, you don't even know whether I'm rich 
or poor. 

Jack. What does that matter? Put not your trust in 
riches. 

Poppy. No, it's better to put your riches in trusts. 

Jack. That's what my dad did, so I think we could 
finance the firm, if it were once established. 

Poppy. I hope he made it honestly. 

Jack. Oh, yes ; but you haven't answered my question 
yet. 

Poppy. I didn't know you'd asked it yet. 

Jack (awkivardly). Well, what I was going to ask was 
— er — will you, er — that is — 

Bazaza (heard caJJiug outside). Poppy, Poppy, my love, 
where are you? 

Poppy. Oh, bother, there's the Duchess again. 

Jack. Let's run before she finds us, then I'll have time 
to explain. 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 29 

Poppv. All right, let's. 

They exit on one side, L., just before Bazaza enters at R. 

Bazaza (still calling). Poppy, my love. {She enters.) 
W'hy, I thought the girl was here. I wonder where she is. 
It's time she took her morning lesson in etiquette. That's 
a very fascinating article in this month's issue that I want 
her to study. It's written by {local) and entitled, "Why 
are girls afraid 'of mice and yet so fond of rats?" Very 
helpful. But, after all, the "Journal" is the place for 
etiquette, and you know there's nothing in the world like 
etiquette. 

{Solo, "Etiquette." Air, ''Sergeant's Song," from Act II, 
No. 10, "Pirates of Pen::ance," by Gilbert and Sullivan. If 
this song is omitted, introduce some other number, to give 
the King time to put on fairy costume.) 

Bazaza sings two stanzas, after which enter Jack and 
Poppy from L. 

Bazaza. Poppy, my love, I have been looking for you 
everywhere. You do not inform me of your movements. 
I\Iy child, yo\i shock me. 

Jack. Ah well, Duchess, you must remember she's young 
— very young. Now, in twenty years or so, when she gets 
to be your age — 

Bazaza (aghast). Sir! 

Jack (hastily). Well, of course — what I meant to say 
was — 

Bazaza (haughtily). Sir, you do not seem to realize that 
I have seen but twenty-four summers — 

Jack (aside). She must have been blind for eighteen 
years! (Aloud.) Twenty-four summers? Ls it possible it's 
so much ! 

Bazaza. But after all, we must forgive Poppy. We girls 
are all so susceptible ! And for susceptible girls there's noth- 
ing like the "Household Journal." (Sings third stanza with 
Poppy and Jack. Exit all at close E. i E.) 



30 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

FIRST VERSE. 

When between a wish and duty you're divided, you're 
divided, 
Quite often in a quandary you get, -ry you get; 
In such a case it's safer to be guided, to be guided, 

By knowing all the rules of etiquette, etiquette ; 
\nd you can always find them in the "Jo^^^^^^^^/' ^" ^^^ 
"Journal" 
In black and white you plainly find them set. Find 
them set. 
Its knowledge is so great, it's quite supernal, quite supernal. 
Concerning all the rules of etiquette, etiquette. 

CHORUS. 

Yes, in black and white you always find them set, find 

them set. 
The ''Journal" is the place for etiquette, etiquette. 

. SECOND VERSE. 

For girls who meet their beaux and go to luncheon, go to 
luncheon. 
The "Journal's" always full of good advice, good advice. 
He brings a box of choc'lates and you munch 'em, yes you 
munch 'em ; 
Oh, dear, you know, it's really awf'ly nice, awf ly nice. 
And then the man who goes to call on Sunday, call on 
Sunday, 
A copy of the "Journal" he should read, he should read, 
For there's' a chance that he will get through nobly, get 
through nobly, 
If all the points in etiquette he'll heed, 'quette he'll heed. 

CHORUS. 

If questions of behavior chance to fret, chance to fret. 
The "Journal" is the place for etiquette, etiquette. 

THIRD VERSE. 

So, if you want advice on getting married, getting married. 

Or if you want to write a little note, little note, 
There's never any need for getting worried, getting worried. 

The "Journal" is the safest thing to quote, thing to 
quote. 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 31 

On details of deportment it's extensive, it's extensive, 
No matter in what argument you get, -ment you get, 

The "J^^u^^^l" ^s ^ manual comprehensive, comprehensive, 
On everything concerning etiquette. 

CHORUS. 

If questions of behavior chance to fret, chance to fret, 
The "Journal" is the place for etiquette, etiquette. 

A pause, then enter from right King, disguised as Fairy 
Queen, and Tutti-Frutti. N. B. — The King's costume 
shotdd be as comic as possible. Flaxen zvig on top of his 
own bald one, low-necked bodice, gauae skirt like a ballet 
dancer, pink or blue tights, shoes with buckles. He carries 
wand zvith star or flower on tip. Don't be afraid of over- 
doing the comic feature. 

King. How do you think I look? (Turning and posing.) 

Tutti-Frutti. Splendid, your majesty. 

King. Oh, sweet essence of witch hazel ! How does this 
skirt set in the back? (Feeling it.) 

Tutti-Frutti. It's exactly right. 

King. F hope so; but I can't help feeling that a few 
plaited flounces would give an eflfect of fullness. Don't you 
think a little mousseline de soie would improve it? (A^. B. 
Add any modern dress terms.) 

Tutti-Frutti. Perhaps ; but I should try mayonnaise 
dressing. 

King. Well, as long as the tout and scramble is good, 
I don't mind so much about the — er — the — that is, I don't 
mind that — well, what I wanted to say was that as long as 
the tout and scramble is good, I don't mind about the — 
— er — the — (giving up hunting for the right word) well, I 
don't care a darn how the rest looks ! By the way. Toot, 
who invented the sewing machine? 

Tutti-Frutti. Howe. 

King. I said, who invented the sewing machine? 

Tutti-Frutti. I said Howe. 

King. What's the matter?- Are you deaf? (Louder.) 
Who invented the sewing machine? 



32 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

Tutti-Frutti. I heard you perfectly well. 

King. Then why don't you answer? 

Tutti-Frutti. I did answer. 

King. Hozv did you answer? 

Tutti-Frutti. Yes. 

King. Yes, what? 

Tutti-Frutti. That's what T answered. 

King. Answered me? 

Tutti-Frutti. Yes. 

King. When? 

Tutti-Frutti. Right now. 

King. Now see here, I'll ask it once more. Who in- 
vented the sewing machine? 

Tutti-Frutti. I told you Howe. 

King. I didn't ask you how, I asked who. 

Tutti-Frutti. And I said — 

King. Don't say it!- You don't seem able to understand 
a single thing I say. What's the matter? You must be a 
telephone central. 

Tutti-Frutti. No, sire, but — 

King. I'll give you one more chance; but remember, 
whatever you say, you're not to say Hozv. 

Tutti-Frutti. But I can't — 

King. Can't what? 

Tutti-Frutti. But I can't answer you unless I say — 

King. Oh, you can't answer. Well, what on earth are 
you taking up time for, if you don't know anything about 
the question? This isn't a student body meeting. That'll 
do. Shut up. All we want out of you is silence — and very 
little of that. Did you notify Wallflower that I wished to 
see him here this morning? 

Tutti-Frutti. Yes, sire. He ought to be here soon. I 
sent a messenger half an hour ago, to tell him you were 
ready to give him an audience. 

King. To do what? 

Tutti-Frutti. To give him an audience. 

King. Why, I don't want to give him the audience — I 
want to keep it. Why, this is the best audience we've ever 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 33 

had for a High School Show. Just look at 'em out there. 
[Pointing.) Do you suppose I'd want to lose an audience 
like that? Why, there are even some faculty members. 

Tutti-Frutti. Well, in any case he ought to come soon. 

King. Very well, we had better withdraw and practice 
that incantation business again. 1 feel so cute in this get 
up. I think some one would like me for a sweetheart. 

(Solo or duct. If possible, use song suitable for girl. Exit 
both L. at close.) 

Enter Rose and Tom, R., talking. 

Rose. Sometime, if you like, I'll show you our family 
tree. 

Tom. I'm sure it must be a peach. 

Rose. Let's change the subject. Wasn't it very cold 
camping out last night? 

Tom. No, it wasn't cold, but there were some mosquitoes 
about. 

Rose. Oh, were they thick? 

Tom. No, they were the long, thin kind, but they were 
hard workers. 

Rose. Something ought to be done about the mosquitoes 
'round here. Don't you .think coal oil is good for them? 

Tom. Well, not from the mosquitoes' point of view. 

Rose. Now, you haven't told me anything about the place 
you came from. Where is this high school? 

Tom. It's located in (local), whose shores are washed 
by the blue waters of the (lake, river, etc.). 

Rose. What makes the water blue? 

Tom. Well, you'd be blue if you had to wash (local). 

Rose.. And what sort of a place is (local)? Anything 
like this? 

Tom. But see here, you're switching me oi¥ the subject. 
I wanted to talk about something else. 

Rose. What? (Twisting handkerchief.) 

Tom. Can't you guess? 

Rose. Why should I be guessing? This isn't the day 
before grades come out. 

Tom. Now. see here, you're dodging. 



34 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

Rose. Fm not. 

Tom. Then why are you twisting that handkerchief all 
up? 

Rose. I was just trying to tie a knot. 

Tom. What kind of a knot? 

Rose (innocently). A true lover's knot. Do you know 
how to tie one? 

Tom. No, but I know a minister who does. 

Rose. Oh, Tom, this is so sudden. 

Tom. Well, what of it? Will you let him? 

Rose. But are you sure you love me? 

Tom. Now, you needn't ask questions like that. What's 
the use? 

(Duet, Rose and Tom, icitJi chorus if desired. Use popu- 
lar song, with boy and girl taking alternate lines. Dance or 
drill for chorus. Exit at close.) 

Enter Wallflower^ R. i E. 

Wallflower. Aha! The hour of me triumph must be 
nigh. The king has sent word that he wishes to see me on 
important business. Important business ! That can mean 
only one thing. He has persuaded his daughter to accept my 
proffered hand and fortune. Fortune, i' faith.- Little does 
he suspect where that fortune came from. His own wealth, 
ha-ha-ha-ha (Jieavy villain laugh) ha-ha, 'tis his own gold 
with which I win her. Hark ! I hear a footstep. That 
must be he. He comes to tell' me of me joy. (The lights 
blink and jerk two or three times.) Ye gods, what is that? 
It must be lightning, or else the trolley pole is ofif the wire 
again ! 

The lights go out suddenly, leaving the spot light only. 
Into this the King, disguised as a Fairy, skips heavily from 
L. and poses in burlesque of fairy attitude. N. B. — Stere- 
opticon or strong flashlight will serve for spotlight. 

Wallflower. Merciful heavens, what is that? (Falls 
on knees.) 

King (falsetto). Thy evil spirit, O miscreant. 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 35 

Wallflower. Oh, speak to me, good fairy, speak. What 
wouldst thou? 

King. I wouldst a word with thee. I am thy guardian 
fairy, keeping watch over thy destiny. Thou hast done 
wrong. Speak, what is it? 

Wallflower. Nothing, oh queen, nothing. 

King {aside). He called me a queen! Oh, sprinkle me 
with Coca-Cola ! Why I don't even look like a girl from 
(localise). (Aloud.) Deny it not. Thou hast done evil. 
Confess. 

Wallflower. Alas ! I am lost. 

King. No, you're not; you're found! 

Wallflower. Dost thou know all? 

King. I dostest. Thou robbed-s-t — dest — bedst • that is, 
thou robbstedst — er — ro — rob (in despair). You stole the 
King's treasure ! 

Wallflower. I see concealment is useless. I did. 

King. Ha, ha, a confession. Rise, wretch, and salute 
(strikes attitude) your King. (Lights full on.) (Renwves 
zvig. N. B. — Have fairy ivig resting lightly on bald one.) 

Wallflower (thunderstruck). Ye gods! 'Tis he. Oh, 
mercy, your highness, mercy. (Falls to floor.) 

King. We'll see about that. First, I must have me 
treasure. 

Wallflower. I'll give it up — everything. 

King. Good. Then a punishment must be inflicted. But 

what shall it be? Let me think. I like boiling oil myself — 

or hot pitch. Well, I must think it over. (Stamps.) What 

ho, without? r- , \ 

Several Attendants enter. 

King. Take this man. Escort him to his bungalow. 
Seize all the treasure it contains and bring it here. But do 
not let the prisoner escape, on any account whatever. Go! 
(£.rfY Wallflower and guards, R. U.E. King, putting wig 
on again, wrong side before.) Dear me! It is wonderful 
what a disguise will do. This hair looks so natural any- 
body \v0uld suppose it grew on me. It looks just as natural 
as lots of the hair you see about the campus. That young 



36 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

man is a life saver. 1 must reward him. And 1 don't think 
Poppy will require much persuading this time. 

Enter Tutti-Frutti from L. 

King. Hullo, Toot, do you know where our young high 
school friends are ? 

Tutti-Frutti. I think they are strolling in the garden 
with your daughter and her friends. The young ladies seem 
to find them attractive. 

King. Well, yes, I rather think so myself. It looks to 
me, from what I saw in the garden, as if the young ladies 
had started a match factory. I tell you what, Toot, they 
ought to have a woman for the president of the match trust. 
(Pause.) I say they ought to have a woman for the presi- 
dent of the match trust. It's a joke — laugh! (Tutti- 
Frutti roars.) That'll do. Now, the next thing is to de- 
cide what's to be done with Wallflower. Some punishment 
must be devised for him; some frightful, horrid torture. 

Tutti-Frutti. Let's make him board at (localise). 

King. It must be something even w^orse than that. 

Tutti-Frutti. Make him, etc. {Localize.) 

King. The very thing. I'll see about it, for of all the 
things we could do — 

Enter Messenger from L., interrupting. 

Messenger. May it please your majesty — 

King. It doesn't please me at all. What is it? 

Messenger. There's a gentleman in the hall who wishes 
to see you. 

King. Tell him to take a chair. 

Messenger. Yes, sire, but he says he is going to take all 
of them ; he's the man from the installment house. 

King. In that case, I'd better see him at once. We can't 
alTord to lose the furniture, with company in the house. 
{Exit King and Messenger to L.) 

Tutti-Frutti. I hope he doesn't have a quarrel. He's 
so hot-tempered when he gets started. 

{Solo, Tutti-Fkutti. Use good comic song,) 



A ROYAL CUT-UP 37 

Enter King at close. 

King. Well, I've stood him oft for a while longer, and 
now to settle other family affairs. 

Tutti-Frutti. What did you tell him? 

King. He said he couldn't be calling every day for his 
money, so I told him to call every Saturday for awhile. By 
the way, I wonder where Poppy is? 

Poppy and Jack appear at back, zvith arms entzmned, 
L. U. E. 

Tutti-Frutti {sees them). I think she's engaged at 
present. 

King {looking). Yes, she certainly acts as if she were. 

Poppy {seeing King). Oh, there you are, daddy. We've 
been looking for you everywhere. {Comes fom^ard zvith 
Jack^ Jwlding hands.) 

King. Well, you've always managed to see me in time, 
until now. 

JACK. But we're on business now, sir. I have come to 
ask you for your daughter's hand. 

King. It looks as if you've got it already. And you re- 
ally love each other? 

Poppy. We are two souls with but a single thought. 

King. A single thought, eh? Well, it's not much, but 
it's more than most young people have when they are in 
love. Now are you sure this is not simply a flirtation ? 

Jack. Oh, no, sir ; flirtation is simply attention without 
wtention, but we — 

King. In that case I give my consent, and — {great racket 
heard outside). Great hickory ! What's that ? 

Enter four Kinc/s Attendants, struggling zvith ^^' all- 
flower, follozved bv Poppy, Maids and Men. and all cast 
and chorus, everybody in play except Bazaza. 

Guard {or Messenger). We have him, your majesty, 
and the treasure has been recovered. 

King. Aha, villain, we have you at last. Seven long 
years have we waited for this — 



38 A ROYAL CUT-UP 

Wallflower (on knees). Mercy, oh King, oh, mercy — 

King {disgusted). Oh, mercy! For goodness sake, don't 
use those ladyhke swear-words. Swear like a man, if you 
want to swear. Say darn. 

Wallflower. Darn ! 

King. Now, villain, hear the doom to be meted out to 
you. You are condemned to live in Hoboken {localise). 

Wallflower. Oh, no, no! Death, death a thousand 
times, rather than that ! 

Poppy. Don't you think it would be less brutal, daddy, 
to make him serve a penance of some kind? 

King. But what? 

Poppy. Why not make him marry Bazaza? 

King. We'll do it. No greater penance could be devised. 
Where is Bazaza? 

Poppy. I think she's upstairs, daddy. The maid is ar- 
ranging her hair. 

King. Well, I don't think it's necessary for Bazaza to 
stay in the room while it's done. Let some one call her. 

Enter Bazaza, intently reading her magazine. 

King. Oh, here she is. Bazaza, you're wanted. 

Bazaza. I have found the most useful article here on 
advice to June brides and — 

King. Good, you'll need it, for you are to marry Wall- 
flower. 

Bazaza (flinging "Journal" into a^idience). What! A 
man at last! (Rushes upon Wallflower and embraces him 
frantically.) 

King. Ah, I think you are true lovers, not ! (Pause.) I 
say I think they are true lovers, not. It's a joke — laugh! 
(All roar.) That'll do. You see, Pm resolved to the last 
to be a royal cut-up. 

Finale, by entire cast and chorus. Repeat two or three 
of the best tunes of the shozv. 

Curtain. 



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T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 623 S.Wabash Ave.. Chicago 



In Hot Tamale Land 

BY 

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Bobby Hunter Honest, Tliough Poor 

Ned and Dick His Two Chums 

Don Soda Di .Poppo Ruler of Hot Tamale Land 

Punko Doro Agent of Bullfighters' Union 

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Dolores Daughter of the Don 

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Price, 35 Cents. 

T. S. DeillSOn & Company, Publishers 

623 South Wabash Avenue CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Cataloeue Free 



FARCES. COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
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M. F. 

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Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

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Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Class Ship, 35 min 3 8 

Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 

Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 

Great Pumpkin Case, 35 min.. 12 

Hans \'on Smash, 30 mi''.... 4 3 

Honest Peggy, 25 min 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

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r.ast Rehearsal, 25 min 2 3 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

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Uncle Dick's Mistake. 20 min.. 3 2 

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Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 

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min 2 1 

Billy's Mishaps, 20 min 2 3 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 25 m. 3 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 



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Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min 2 2 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

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Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

It Might Happen, 20 min 1 1 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 
Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 
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One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

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Hungry, 1 5 min 2 

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T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 623 S.Wabash Ave., Chicago 



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Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

The Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists, 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Larsre Illustrated Catalogue Free 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers. 623 S.Wabash Ave.. Chicago 



